


It’s hard to say I’d rather be awake when I’m already asleep

by sunshine_kitcat (Dino_nugu_aegi)



Series: The story of my life (told in the tune of yours) [10]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, It's a songfic without words, Na Jaemin-centric, No Dialogue, Sad, Sad Ending, the plot is a metaphor, two people die im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 10:56:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19462546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dino_nugu_aegi/pseuds/sunshine_kitcat
Summary: Jaemin is seven when he meets a human star. Jeno introduced him to stars, and they chase shooting stars together, on their bikes. They guide people to the fallen stars, hoping to brighten up their worlds a little. Never ever did Jeno or Jaemin wanted a star for themselves. It was simply too selfish and greedy, and Jaemin doesn’t see the point in drowning worlds in darkness. If one person can bear the dark, then millions can bathe in light.Jaehyun calls him a hero, Jaemin calls himself fair.





	It’s hard to say I’d rather be awake when I’m already asleep

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Owl City's fireflies, and I recommend you listening to it as you read through!

They say the brightest force in the universe is a star. 

There is a world for every star, someone once told Jaemin. It’s selfish to ever want a star for yourself. There are millions, maybe even billions of others who used to survive with it. Because when stars fall, entire galaxies lose their light. 

It’s selfish to want a light for your own dark world, no matter how dim it is, Jaehyun told Jaemin one night, when the younger told him he wanted a star for himself. Jaemin accepted this answer, thinking of all the people who rely on the star. Jaehyun smiles as he tucks his younger brother up in, praying that he’ll find his own light one day.

Jaemin is seven when he meets a human star. Jeno introduced him to stars, and they chase shooting stars together, on their bikes. They guide people to the fallen stars, hoping to brighten up their worlds a little. Never ever did Jeno or Jaemin want a star for themselves. It was simply too selfish and greedy, and Jaemin doesn’t see the point in drowning worlds in darkness. If one person can bear the dark, then millions can bathe in light.

Jaehyun calls him a hero, Jaemin calls himself fair.

-

Jaemin is seventeen when he meets his own fallen star.

It came into the atmosphere at 10 AM one day, and Jaehyun packed him lunch before handing him his bike helmet. Jeno comes with him on the trip, and they discover the first splash of colourful paint in their world. The world was crying that day, and Jaemin looks around for anyone who might need a star. The universe always finds a way to lead those in need of its fallen diamonds. Jaemin looks around for a lonely soul, a numb mind, or a hollow shell, but he can’t find any. The rustling leaves create a canopy over the two boys, shielding them from the thundering downpour. The pittering raindrops drown out the world as the star introduces himself, and Jaemin finally found the soul that was in need.

Himself.

Jaehyun cries as he sneaks Jaemin out that night, on his journey to return his fallen star. He tells Jaemin about his own star, Doyoung, and makes Jeno swear to bring him back safely. 

Jaemin looks back as he leaves his home, devoid of family emotions most people find. But then he sees Jaehyun trying to hold back his tears and Jaemin chokes up. Jeno and the star, who calls himself Renjun, pulls him away, and the rain covers their tracks as the starless sky blinds anyone looking. The winds carry their whispers and giggles as they run away, wildflowers on the road being the only ones to hear them advance. The storm dies, and the rainbow after colours their skies. Jaemin’s only ever seen black and white in a world full of grey, and the red colour his heart is experiencing is exciting. Red is nice, and Jaemin wonders if that’s how Jaehyun copes with their grey world.

He wonders if fallen stars can really change the world.

-

The sun rises by the time they step into Twilight city. The edge of civilization, in the middle of nowhere. They’ll tell you the world is round, or some will tell you it’s flat, but Jaemin knows it’s neither. The world is endless, and only stars can really find the end of the world. The journey there is metamorphic, the waterfall that dips into the abyss is round, so you can always go beyond it. But the stars that guide you to the city are only ever meant to enter the abyss. Their worlds are round, and their warm light creates a warm blanket to those in the abyss. Jaehyun told Jaemin about this city, where he and Doyoung spent the star’s last night on Earth exploring the city. Jeno snaps him out of the memory of home and Renjun drags him into the city bounds. A permanent warm haze settles over the city, casting a golden glow over the tall skyscrapers that scratch the sky. Jaemin zones out, losing himself in the contagious laughter his companions offer and finding himself neck-deep in happiness. The feeling threatens to overflow, and Jaemin welcomes it. The flood that greets him feels like honey, sweet and delicious. The overhead sun is now everywhere, in the City of Dreams, finding every soul and blessing it. He’s heard stories of some people who’ve met the sun himself, but supposedly, only the lost souls are found. Not all those who wander are lost, and those that are, never find their way out. He’s pulled back to reality when Jeno grips his hand and whispers scared murmurs. Renjun reassures them, claiming that he’s been through this a million times and that the Sun will always find them. True to his words, a golden flash appears before them, and Jaemin barely had time to cover his eyes. When he reopens them, an angelic looking boy with tan skin and orange hair stands before him, smiling.

Jaemin’s never been so happy to be lost.

The Sun offers to join their journey, and Renjun accepts it before Jeno and he could even process the request. The golden boy smiles and introduces himself as Haechan, or Full Sun, and Jaemin has never been more jealous of sunflowers for being able to enjoy the Sun’s beauty. They set off the next morning, after a well-deserved night’s sleep, and Jaemin can see yellow entering his world.

-

It’s sunset by the time they reach Sunset woods. Haechan jokes that the sun exists on many different levels, and Jaemin agrees. Humans themselves are complex, with many different sides. It’s stupid to assume the sun is one constant being. The forest is almost the opposite of the city, as it should be. The sun that shines through the cracks of the leaves mixes with the red of the intense emotions Jaemin’s learnt to feel. 

Renjun tells him he should smile more, because it’s brighter than anything Renjun has ever seen. 

Jeno tells him to smile more, because it makes the elder happy too.

They get lost eventually, in happiness and adventure, but lost nonetheless. Haechan smiles knowingly, and Jaemin recalls the story of Jaehyun meeting the Moon. The Sun’s tan skin glistens in the moonlight, his orange hair dims in the cool shadows of the forest. He breaks into a smile, and starts singing. 

Jaemin swears he sees the fairies of the woods coming. 

The beautiful sound resonates deep in the woods, a song in the language of the galaxy. Renjun joins in, and Jaemin can see the angels above wanting to join the audience of wildlife down below. As he stays entranced by the soft harmonies of the Sun and the Star, Jeno taps him on the shoulder and points out one of their guests. 

Another boy, with pale skin and beautiful eyes that looks like firefly colonies reside in them. His gentle features and soft brown locks accentuate his beaming smile, and Jaemin finally understands why people fall in love with the moon. 

Maybe Jaemin can learn to fall in love too.

Haechan hugs the boy, and Renjun high fives him. They’re beautiful together, Jaemin thinks, and Jeno intertwines their hands and pulls him into the group hug. The moon introduces himself as Yangyang, and Jaemin lets himself be drowned in happiness. The five of them spend the night in the woods, the flickering flame of hope in Jaemin’s heart burning brighter than ever.

-

The first thing Jaemin thinks when he sees the edge of the abyss is sadness. He knows it was bound to happen, but these past days of travelling have made him happier than ever. The memories he’s made will last a lifetime, maybe even beyond that. The salty tears on his cheeks mixes with the moisture in the air. The roaring waterfalls that drop into nothingness masks Jaemin’s choked sobs, and he starts to choke up as he watches Renjun step onto the edge of life and life beyond the world. The Sun and Moon hold Jaemin in their hands, and Jaemin breaks down. Jeno walks up to the fading Star, and Jaemin cries even harder. Jeno has always loved the stars, and he belonged up there, Jaemin knew, but it still hurt. 

Jaemin understood, but the rain still storms inside of his heart.

Jaemin accepts it, but the world still falls.

The rain starts to fall, but the world is silent. For a moment, Jaemin wonders if the feeling will go away if he jumps into the abyss. His legs carry him to the edge, but then his mind flashes images of his poor brother, who’d be worried sick if he dared not return. Jeno cups his face, and Jaemin feels the world freeze. Renjun’s mouth moves, and even though no sound comes out, Jaemin understands. Yangyang pats him on the back, and Haechan starts singing again. The winds howl with anger and the trees quiver in fear. Jaemin screams as he gets angrier, but it’s no use.

Jeno and Renjun have faded, in a golden shimmer of light. And Jaemin collapses, exhausted as the storm dies, the waterfall seemingly frozen. The Sun and Moon carry Jaemin back home, and Jaemin cries the entire way. 

He whispers their last words, over and over again, staring at the sky. The stars twinkle over his head, and Jaemin looks at them with teary eyes.

He’ll be fine, because Renjun and Jeno are always going to be there.

  
  
  


He’ll be fine, because they’ll always be with him.

  
  
  


He’ll be fine, for as long as he remembers their last words.

  
  
  


He’ll be fine, always.

  
  
  
  
  


_ Always. _

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! Follow on Twitter at @writer_tears


End file.
